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My Favorite Quotes

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 Mitch Hedberg - “I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...”
 Mitch Hedberg - “I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero”
 Mitch Hedberg - “If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.”
 Wendy Hedberg - “We played well. We came out strong in the first half, but they came back at us. It hurt us in overtime not be able to knock down the free throws when you had to.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'. But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of sht you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.'”
 Mitch Hedberg - “I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “My friend said to me, You know what I like Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What'. But really it's just some insignificant sht that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'”
 Mitch Hedberg - “I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away”
 Mitch Hedberg - “COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP”
 Wendy Hedberg - “Allison came off the bench and played well. She is going to be a fun player to watch down the road.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.”
 Dr. Hedberg - “There are still some barriers to some particular jobs that are more high paying jobs like high-level executives, CEOs of companies that women just aren't in the proportion that men are in.”
 Dr. Hedberg - “Men and women do get paid equally for the same work for the most part.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, Please try again. because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... Come on Mitchell, don't give up An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”
 Mitch Hedberg - “Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'”

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