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My Favorite Quotes

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 Jack Handey - “Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull Is it 'dull' that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it You call that dull”  
 Jack Handey - “A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'”  
 Jack Handey - “I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolverand since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.”  
 Jack Handey - “I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.”  
 Jack Handey - “Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway that's my point.”  
 Jack Handey - “If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.”  
 Jack Handey - “If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.”  
 Jack Handey - “Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”  
 Jack Handey - “Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.”  
 Jack Handey - “I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT'”  
 Unknown - “When you want what you've never had, you must do what you've never done.”  
 Unknown - “Wondrous is this great, blue ship that sails around the mighty sun and joy to everyone that rides along.”  
 Jack Handey - “Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”  
 Raymond Carver - “And did you get what you wanted in this life even so I did And what is it you wanted To call myself beloved To feel myself beloved on the earth.”  
 Helen Adams Keller - “Relationships are like Rome. Difficult to start out, incredible during the prosperity of the 'Golden Age', and unbearable during the fall. Then, a new kingdom will come along and the whole process will repeat itself until you come across a kingdom like Egypt.. that thrives, and continues to flourish. This kingdom will become your best friend, your soulmate, and your love.”  
 Unknown - “The doctor of the future will give no medicine, but will interest his patients in the care of the human frame, in diet, and in the cause and prevention of disease.”  
 Johan Cruijff - “Coincidence is logical.”  
 Johan Cruijff - “If you score one more goal than the other team, you win.”  
 Johan Cruijff - “I don't believe in God, in Spain all 22 players cross themselves, if it works the game is always going to be a tie.”  
 Johan Cruijff - “Sometimes something's got to happen before something is going to happen.”  
 Johan Cruijff - “Italians can't win the game against you, but you can lose the game against the Italians.”  
 Johan Cruijff - “Before Johan Cruijff is going to make a mistake, he isn't making that mistake.making that mistake.”  
 Johan Cruijff - “Actually I never make a mistake, because it takes a huge effort for me to make a mistake.”  
 Johan Cruijff - “You have got to shoot, otherwise you can't score.”  
 Johan Cruijff - “Soccer is simple, but it is difficult to play simple.”  

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