Revolution is an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
Habit is a shackle for the free.
A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker.
When in Rome, do as Rome does.
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.
Ambidextrous, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.
Mayonnaise One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
Deliberation, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
Quotation, n The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.
Belladonna, n. In Italian a beautiful lady in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
Edible, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
Politeness, n The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Spring beckons All things to the call respond the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.
Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.