Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'compact cars....'
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is I'm like that all the time.
You can't have everything.... Where would you put it
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Why is the alphabet in that order Is it because of that song ... the guy who wrote that, wrote everything.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons
Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two-cents in.
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors
Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have
Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes'
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.