If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.
A plumber's idea of Cleopatra Mae West.
Start off everyday with a simple smile and get it over with.
A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
Stop following me, are you following me That'll get you twelve years at Leavenworth, or eleven years at twelveworth, or five and ten at Woolworth's.
Go back to reform school, you little nose-picker
Once . . . in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
The best thing to break is a contract.
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
No one likes a fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I never met a kid I liked.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.