Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron, who recovered long enough to call it 'entuzy-muzy,' had a relapse, which carried him off to Missolonghi.

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DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the early fool.

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CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet two clarionets.

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CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

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ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

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ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

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ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.

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Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

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ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

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BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.

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HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another --the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

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Age. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those we have no longer the vigor to commit.

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RICHES, n.A gift from Heaven signifying, This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased. --John D. RockefellerThe reward of toil and virtue. --J.P. MorganThe sayings of many in the hands of one. --Eugene DebsTo these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he can add nothing of value.

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Cabbage a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

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DIE, n. The singular of dice. We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, Never say die. At long intervals, however, some one says The die is cast, which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator DepewA cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.

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Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

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PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons.

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Meekness Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.

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Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.

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In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

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X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name --Xristos. If it represented a cross it would stand for St. Andrew, who testified upon one of that shape. In the algebra of psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Words beginning with X are Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary.

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PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the familiar itching palm (Palma hominis) is most widely distributed and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known as benefactions.

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REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired as an elderly maiden's hand in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor a valuable franchise to a rich corporation, by an alderman absolution to an impenitent king, by a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by some casuists the refusal assentive.

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SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing it.

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Politics A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

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