Andy Borowitz Quotes

I feel like Cal Ripken or something, ... This insanity is all self-imposed.

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After Sept. 11, I didn't write a piece for a couple of days because I thought people wouldn't want me to be funny. This time, it was so obvious what could be written, and I'll continue to write it. I can usually gauge reader response from the number of people who cancel on my e-mail list, and there's been no major withdrawal.

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Get over yourselves with the coffee. You know, we all have it. It's like being famous for mustard or gum.

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At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gasoline, while unorthodox, was a 'slam-dunk solution' to the Army's nagging shortfalls in enlistment.

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I wanted to get away from big, expensive network projects, ... so I moved to New York and I did nothing. And then I discovered the Internet. I didn't think of it as a moneymaker -- I wrote stuff I thought my friends would find funny.

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I think the reason that satire is on the rise is because the real news is so bad right now, ... I'd love it if we lived in a world where there was nothing to satire, but given this world, people need satire and comedy right now. ... Humor enables us to look at the horrible things going on and survive them.

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Army Offers to Pay Recruits in Gasoline.

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I am resigning effective immediately. Bo Derek will become the new vice president.

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