In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.
Fish recognize a bad leader.
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus This cup is expensive'
Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.
Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.
Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.
I still can't really believe that he talked to me, ... If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, they can't take that away from me.
Experts say it could take 80 days to drain all of the flood water out of New Orleans. When President Bush heard this he said, '80 days, that's half a vacation.'
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.
Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration.
Just think if global warming gets worse. The fake snow industry - that's the upside that nobody looks at.
Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.
A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over 110,000. The strange thing is that it's the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.
Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.
People just can't go on with an awards show like nothing happened.
You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people.
If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people willthink you're drunk.
In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.
thrilled to get this opportunity.
The ultimate responsibility to drop audio on something like that is mine. It's my show, 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien,' ... If I had to do it over again, I understand that word is offensive to people, it hurts people. I would say, 'Let's drop audio on it.'
Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.
CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'
If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.'
Picture Quotes to Inspire and Delight
Picture Quotes to Inspire and Delight