Eddie Izzard

Socrates was killed by his own people. He was Nods head. Coz he questioned everything When is a house a house Just chill-out will you If Im out of the house am I chilling-out Am I chilling-in if Im in the house Ugg, ahhh. Sword stabbing dying mime. What is a sword Is it made of folded metal' Wobbly knees. 'If I die on the floor can I get up in these heels

Mock singing And shall my sword sleep in my hand Speaking NOT a good idea, youre gonna roll over and cut your bits off.

Eddie Izzard Dress to Kill.

But puberty wasa well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite acause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know

Twang him into a tree

I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die

Itaas a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, acause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind walls, going, aWhat- what happened What did they do What do they do herea And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5a 7, 8, you knowa A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping ropea

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised A little nave, I feel

I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago And people were going, No, surely not, no. No one was alive then

And the National Rifle Association says that, Guns don't kill people, people do,a but I think the gun helps, you know I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, Bang That's not going to kill too many people, is it You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have thata

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

And they always find in archeology a series of small walls. Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. Weve found a series of small walls, were very excited I think this proves they had walls in olden days. They were very small, and a series of small wall people. And then someone comes along, very learned, with glasses, Of course, the king and queen entertained here 1,500 courtiers, and there were soldiers, 20,000 soldiers in this room, and elephants dancing hopscotch over there A mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo, buttocks and aqueducts into a heater And youre just watching, and going, Youre making this up, mate Youre just pointing at a series of small walls, going, there, there Tutankhamen playing banjo in there Dont know if its true.

Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok Becausea it's true aCause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sina I poked a badger with a spoon.

You killed a hundred thousand people You must get up very early in the morning I can't even get down the gym

Because that's what narcissism is all about looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'

It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. Thataas Renaissance, FRENCH for are-birthaa. Re-nais-sance. And thataas why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle of FraItaly.

ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread I've got a French loaf. Bye I love you

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it itaas a sort of detective thing, but itaas really true, you know itaas therea But itaas kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, aWeaave been here three weeks on live television, and weaave taken off about a millimeter of top soil so faraa Thereaas men with brushes and beardsa maybe theyaave just got beards, Iaam not surea aWe found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so weaare very excitedaa

PiAno,piAno'It's not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt...you weird talking person.

Thereaas a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didnaat say, aI will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.a

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we canswing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not bebanned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off inthe distance.

But with dogs, we do have abad dog.a Bad dog exists. aBad dog Bad dog Stole a biscuit, bad doga The dog is saying, aWho are you to judge me You human beings whoaave had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit Is that a crime People of the worldaaWell, if you put it that way, I think youaave got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.a

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags Yeah, just sail around the world and stick a flag in. - I claim India for BritainThey go, - You can't claim us, we live here 500 million of us- Do you have a flag- We don't need a bloody flag It's our country, you bastards- No flag, no country, you can't have one That's the rules that I've just made up, and I'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle Association.