Eddie Izzard Quotes

Twang him into a tree

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You killed a hundred thousand people You must get up very early in the morning I can't even get down the gym

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So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised A little nave, I feel

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Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we

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Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

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I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago And people were going, No, surely not, no. No one was alive then

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But puberty wasa well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite acause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know

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Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sina I poked a badger with a spoon.

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It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. Thataas Renaissance, FRENCH for are-birthaa. Re-nais-sance. And thataas why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle of FraItaly.

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We stole countries with the cunning use of flags Yeah, just sail around the world and stick a flag in. - I claim India for BritainThey go, - You can't claim us, we live here 500 million of us- Do you have a flag- We don't need a bloody flag It's our country, you bastards- No flag, no country, you can't have one That's the rules that I've just made up, and I'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle Association.

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Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok Becausea it's true aCause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.

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Because that's what narcissism is all about looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'

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Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we canswing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not bebanned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off inthe distance.

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Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

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And they always find in archeology a series of small walls. Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. Weve found a series of small walls, were very excited I think this proves they had walls in olden days. They were very small, and a series of small wall people. And then someone comes along, very learned, with glasses, Of course, the king and queen entertained here 1,500 courtiers, and there were soldiers, 20,000 soldiers in this room, and elephants dancing hopscotch over there A mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo, buttocks and aqueducts into a heater And youre just watching, and going, Youre making this up, mate Youre just pointing at a series of small walls, going, there, there Tutankhamen playing banjo in there Dont know if its true.

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I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

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Eddie Izzard Dress to Kill.

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So my choice is 'Or Death'.

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PiAno,piAno'It's not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt...you weird talking person.

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Never put a sock in a toaster.

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aCause, Cake or death That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.Cake or deathEh, cake please.Very well Give him cakeOh, thanks very much. It's very nice.You Cake or deathaaUh, cake for me, too, please.Very well Give him cake, too We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You Cake or deathUh, death, please. No, cake Cake Cake, sorry. Sorry...You said death first, uh-uh, death firstWell, I meant cakeOh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England Cake or death

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MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

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aCause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy and the Romans thought, Relaxed and groovy No, no, no, no, no So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me It's got nothing to do with it, has it

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Tea and cake or death...students with beards 'tea and cake or death, tea and cake or death...little red cookbook, little red cookbook.'

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I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

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