Emo Philips Quotes

How many people here have telekenetic powers Raise my hand.

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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

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Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah Why I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.

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You know what I hate Indian givers... no, I take that back.

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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

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Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

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I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

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I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse.

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My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.

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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

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How many people here have telekinetic powers Raise my hand.

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Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

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I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

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My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

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