George Carlin Quotes

I'm having fun because I don't take it (life) seriously - the only things I care about are my family, friends, work and my lady, Sally. Philosophers for a long time have said 'why are we here' - I'm here for the entertainment. If you're born in the world, you're given a ticket to the freak show if you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

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You get to play with people's little danger zones.

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He appreciated its compounded vulgarity, ... It had that Peter Finch in 'Network,' 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore' quality.

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He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.

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Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled

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I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved -- to teach it, probably, ... Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there ... a good language gene, which I inherited from my mother and grandfather and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.

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I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence

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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long format, five, eight, 10-minute pieces rather than one-liners, so since writing books, the process hasn't changed much. A piece in my live routine can end up as part of one of my HBO specials, and it can also end up in one of the books.

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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

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The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

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If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac

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When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say

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They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.

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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas Fewer Texans.

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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

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