George Carlin Quotes

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

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He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.

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I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

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I'm having fun because I don't take it (life) seriously - the only things I care about are my family, friends, work and my lady, Sally. Philosophers for a long time have said 'why are we here' - I'm here for the entertainment. If you're born in the world, you're given a ticket to the freak show if you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

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The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved -- to teach it, probably, ... Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there ... a good language gene, which I inherited from my mother and grandfather and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.

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If youaare reading it in a book, folks, it ainaat self-help. Itaas help.

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He appreciated its compounded vulgarity, ... It had that Peter Finch in 'Network,' 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore' quality.

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What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,Read People Magazine your whole life... Take a freakin' chance

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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long format, five, eight, 10-minute pieces rather than one-liners, so since writing books, the process hasn't changed much. A piece in my live routine can end up as part of one of my HBO specials, and it can also end up in one of the books.

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

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You get to play with people's little danger zones.

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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac

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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it A Death What's that, a bonus I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm.

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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled

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I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence

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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

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