Henny Youngman

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

The doctor says to the patient, Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window. What will that do asks the patient. The doctor says I'm mad at my neighbor

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

How to drive a guy crazy send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.