Henry Youngman

Was that suit made to order Where were you at the time

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

A woman says to a man, I haven't seen you around here. Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife. So you're singlea.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying Stop The Music

If your going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said Cough

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says You're crazy The man says I want a second opinion Okay, you're ugly too

A man goes to a psychiatrist Nobody listen to me The doctor says Next

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered So did my arthritis

Doctor says to a man You're pregnant The man says How does a man get pregnant The doctor says The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner....

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks Doc, how do I stand The doctor says That's what puzzles me

Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do The doctor says Limp

The patient says Doctor, it hurts when I do this. Then don't do that

Take my wife... Please

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Just got back from a pleasure trip I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

What's the use of happiness It can't buy you money.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.