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Henry Youngman Quotes

The patient says Doctor, it hurts when I do this. Then don't do that

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Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do The doctor says Limp

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Take my wife... Please

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I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.

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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said Cough

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A man goes to a psychiatrist Nobody listen to me The doctor says Next

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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

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She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

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If your going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.

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You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

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You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

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My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City

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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

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If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

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Now, the band that inspired that great saying Stop The Music

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