Jack Handy

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD

I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say, 'How do you figger that' real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, Boy, these are good cigars

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. Uh-oh, he thought. This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo, I'd have all my money back.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, I love carrots. Good, I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.