Jack Handy Quotes

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

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We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

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Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said Lassie, go skate for help, she could do it.

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Laurie got offended that I used the word puke. But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. Oh, no, I said. Disneyland burned down. He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

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The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk

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My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.

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If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say, 'How do you figger that' real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

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The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

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I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

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Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

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Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

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Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

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If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife Trust me, it's not.

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If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice. Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

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He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, Dust to dust, some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.

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Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program

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I hope if dogs take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

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If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

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Here's a good trick Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, Okay, is everybody ready to start now.

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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

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Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.

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The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. Uh-oh, he thought. This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.

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