Mark Twain

If I cannot smoke cigars in Heaven, I shall not go

You can go to heaven if you want. I'd rather stay in Bermuda.

Mauritius was made first, and then heaven and that heaven was copied after Mauritius.

Heaven for climate, hell for society.

History doesn't repeat itself - at best it sometimes rhymes

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice

History does not repeat itself. But it does rhyme.

I would much prefer to suffer from the clean incision of an honest lancet than from a sweetened poison

An honest man in politics shines more there than he would elsewhere

No man is straitly honest to any but himself and God

There's one way to find out if a man is honest ask him if he says yes, you know he is crooked.

All saints can do miracles, but few of them can keep a hotel

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in

It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old

If you think knowledge is dangerous, try ignorance

A healthy and wholesome cheerfulness is not necessarily impossible to any occupation

It is no use to keep private information which you can't show off

The innocent who could laugh with joy didn't dare to because they were sitting beside a guilty friend who didn't dare to

We have an insanity plea that would have saved Cain

No public interest is anything other or nobler than a massed accumulation of private interests.

The Creator made Italy from designs by Michael Angelo

It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one

Perseverance is a principle that should be commendable in those who have judgment to govern it

Such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down on the doctor's bills like everything.

The more I get to know about lawyers, the more I'm in favor of hangin'.