Robert Orben Quotes

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

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I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it -- after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

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Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

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Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

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Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

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There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

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Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

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Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

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A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

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I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart Take my arms Take my lips' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

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Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

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A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

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Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

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Every speaker has a mouth An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

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If you can laugh together, you can work together.

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A compliment is verbal sunshine.

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To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

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Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

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Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time'

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If those scientists are so smart, why do they all count backward

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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

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I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

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Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

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With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal

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