Robert Orben

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do Turn out the lights

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart Take my arms Take my lips' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Every speaker has a mouth An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.

Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Honk Kong it's the way the egg rolls.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time'

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.