Robert Orben Quotes

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

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Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

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Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

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A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

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Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

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Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

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I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart Take my arms Take my lips' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

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If you can laugh together, you can work together.

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Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time'

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A compliment is verbal sunshine.

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Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

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I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

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With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal

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If those scientists are so smart, why do they all count backward

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Every speaker has a mouth An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

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Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

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Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

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It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Honk Kong it's the way the egg rolls.

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A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

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Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

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Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

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To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

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In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.

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