Stephen Wright Quotes

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it

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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

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So, do you live around here often

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When you see it in summer, it's just beautiful, and then you read the plaques about how 2,000 men died on this spot in 20 minutes. To reconcile how it looks today, the beauty of it, with what actually happened made a big impression on me, and I decided I had to do something one day.

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It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

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Either outfit is going to have a pretty weak coalition.

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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you

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He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.

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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

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Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

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I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Rennaisance.

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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

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They are still facing hard times in Australia, New Zealand is showing signs of improvement but I think the market will wait to see how they perform during the Christmas season.

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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I may have forgotten this before.

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I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

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When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need

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My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, Yes, but not in a row.

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I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

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If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer

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