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Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.

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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

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Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

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I felt I could've got him out. Coach made a good decision because we ended up getting him out anyway.

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How come you dont ever hear about gruntled employees And who has been diss-ing them anyhow

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it

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What a nice night for an evening.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

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I bought an occassional table........sometimes it's a microwave oven.

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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

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You can't have everything.... Where would you put it

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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good I said No, I made a few mistakes.

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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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