Comedian

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

- George Burns Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

Things really began to move for us. In 1953 I could afford to marry Doreen.

- Ernie Wise Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

I've an idea for doing a Situation Comedy myself but its always difficult to get people to listen to you because they like to put their own ideas forward.

- Norman Wisdom Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

- Emo Philips Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

- Emo Philips Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.

- Billy Crystal Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

As you can imagine I'm disappointed as anything that I was not selected to be the presidential running mate. And I find it continually appalling that it would be a radical thing to have a woman on the ticket.

- Kate Clinton Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

A friend of mine said, no matter what I do I always look like an English teacher. She actually said, you still look like a Campbell's Soup kid.

- Kate Clinton Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

I did try when I wasn't doing the singing to do as much comedy as I could because I thought with Comic Relief you are duty bound to anyway.

- Jo Brand Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

But generally speaking, I tend to be quiet and introspective.

- Rowan Atkinson Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

- Phyllis Diller Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah Why I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.

- Emo Philips Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

You know what I hate Indian givers... no, I take that back.

- Emo Philips Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

- Emo Philips Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

- David Letterman Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

To bring up a child in the way he should go - travel that way yourself.

- Josh Billings Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry.

- Josh Billings Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

- Fred Allen Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.

- Jimmy Fallon Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

- Groucho Marx Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

- Groucho Marx Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

- Groucho Marx Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.

- Henry Youngman Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

My family is very theatrical.

- Debra Wilson Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

- Emo Philips Visit FamousQuotes.com for more inspirational quotes