When there are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, drive as fast as you can. It is a lot harder for drunk people to hit you that way.

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can’t say it.

Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.

It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

Remember I before E, except in Budweiser.

A bartender is a temporary pharmacist with a limited inventory.

And God said, ‘Let there be vodka!’ And He saw that it was good. Then God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And then He said, ‘Whoa – too much light’.