‘Tis clear, since Brandy kill’d Tom’s scolding wife, that drinking rids us of the cares of life.

I must have a drink by eleven, it’s a deed that must be done. If I can’t have a drink by eleven, I must have eleven by one.

These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren’t even fit to drink.

He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober, Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October; But he who goes to bed, and goes to bed mellow, Lives as he ought to do, and dies an honest fellow.

The first draught a man drinks ought to be for thirst, the second for nourishment, the third for pleasure, the fourth for madness.

A drunk man’s tongue is a sober man’s mind.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

When there are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, drive as fast as you can. It is a lot harder for drunk people to hit you that way.

God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn’t rule the world!