Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.