Jokes Quotes

The reason I became a comedian was that I loved people laughing at my jokes. To actually hear laughter is a rare thing for me. When I do the movies, I think it is funny, but I have to wait three months to hear an audience laugh.

Since I played Moses, I’ve heard every Moses joke ever conceived by the mind of man.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say “How to Build a Boat.”

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot – but I always found them.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”