george carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

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I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence

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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

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Electricity is really just organized lightning.

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Think off-center.

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The status quo sucks.

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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

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When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How can that be How can you not have all day

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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

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In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

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Always do whatever's next.

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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

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If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

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