george carlin

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.

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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

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If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it A Death What's that, a bonus I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm.

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Who decides when the applause should die down It seems like it's a group decision everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, Well, okay, that's enough of that.

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

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Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

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I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you're born on this world you're guilt, period, fck you, end of report, next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

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If youaare reading it in a book, folks, it ainaat self-help. Itaas help.

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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

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I'm having fun because I don't take it (life) seriously - the only things I care about are my family, friends, work and my lady, Sally. Philosophers for a long time have said 'why are we here' - I'm here for the entertainment. If you're born in the world, you're given a ticket to the freak show if you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

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You know an odd feeling Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

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