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george carlin Quotes

george carlin

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

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If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

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Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

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If youaare reading it in a book, folks, it ainaat self-help. Itaas help.

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You know an odd feeling Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

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