Fran Lebowitz Quotes

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater. . . suggest that he wear a tail.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Never allow your child to call you by your first name. He hasn’t known you long enough.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in moods, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement mixer long after one’s interest in the topic has waned.

The chief products of Los Angeles are novelizations, salad, game show hosts, points, muscle tone, mini-series, and rewrites. They export all of these items with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel well.

Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel.

I think you should be allowed to drive only between the ages of 30 and 40. Before 30 you’re too reckless, and after 40 you can’t see.