Henny (Henry) Youngman Quotes

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

The reason some people become old before their time is because they had a time before they got old.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking. The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

There is no crime in New York. There’s nothing left to steal.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t report it. The thief spends less than my wife.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate