Henny (Henry) Youngman Quotes

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

The reason some people become old before their time is because they had a time before they got old.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking. The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

There is no crime in New York. There’s nothing left to steal.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t report it. The thief spends less than my wife.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate