Rita Rudner Quotes

All men think they are nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code, he turned himself in.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlast milk.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Whenever I date a guy, I think is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I hate when people honk at me. Unless I’m taking a left turn – then I like it, because that’s how I know it’s time to turn.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.