Phyllis Diller Quotes

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, “Who could have done this? we have no enemies.”

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.