Phyllis Diller Quotes

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for the estimate.