W. C. Fields Quotes

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Last week, I went to Philidelphia, but it was closed.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I never met a kid I liked.

Madam, there’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.