There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.
W. C. Fields Quotes
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible… for loopholes.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
I never drink water, that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch?
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.