W. C. Fields Quotes

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible… for loopholes.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

I never drink water, that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch?

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.