Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

I’ll be sober tomorrow, but you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life. (in reply to an accusation of drunkenness)

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snake bite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake which I also keep handy.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.