A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snake bite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake which I also keep handy.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had nothing to live on but food and water.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

I’ll be sober tomorrow, but you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life. (in reply to an accusation of drunkenness)