When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
Jack Handey Quotes
I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’d like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.
I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s fly along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary!
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.