When dad found out the house was full of termites, he got real mad. But I was glad, because now I wouldn’t have to go all the way to the woods to get termites for my termite farm.
Jack Handey Quotes
If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I […]
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a sixgun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smartaleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering […]
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I […]
One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
