Jack Handey Quotes

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who made people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled up tobacco leaves.

Every year at Christmastime a whole set of emotions sweeps over me – emotions which probably go back to my childhood. The first emotion is wondering if I’m going to get any presents. Then it changes to “Hooray, I got some presents!” Then it changes to “Is that all the presents I got?”

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

When I was a kid, I used to think you could jump off the roof of our house using an umbrella as a parachute. I thought my little brother could, anyway.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.