Jack Handey Quotes

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I […]

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, “I like mayonnaise.” She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

Sometimes kids are so cruel to animals, especially insects. I remember one time I caught this grass- hopper, and I made him wear a little straw hat that I had made. Also, a little pair of denim overalls. And I made him hold this little tiny pitchfork. So guess what he looked like? What is […]

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick “Americans” as their mascot.