When dad found out the house was full of termites, he got real mad. But I was glad, because now I wouldn’t have to go all the way to the woods to get termites for my termite farm.
Jack Handey Quotes
If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I […]
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a sixgun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smartaleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering […]
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I […]
One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
