Steven Wright Quotes

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

The joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

George Carlin’s album, Class Clown, came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I’d come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don’t even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.

“Did you sleep well?” – “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say “How to Build a Boat.”

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?