Steven Wright Quotes

I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I took my dog for a walk… all the way from New York to Florida… I said to him “There now you’re done.”

I named my dog ‘Stay’… so I can say ‘Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.’

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered around the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.