Steven Wright Quotes

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I’ve been arrested three times for practicing.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back… boy, were they mad!

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.