Steven Wright Quotes

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, ‘Day 1 – Still tired from the move. Day 2 – Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.

My friend has a baby. I’m writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Half the people you know are below average.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.