Steven Wright Quotes

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘Breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

I was caesarean born. You can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through a window.

It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.